End The Eastern Conference Playoffs

Please.

I’m sick of being told that the reason no team in the Eastern Conference semis can score more points in an entire game than the average WNBA team does is an half is because of the intense defense. That’s just not what’s going on in the East at all. Not when the Orlando Magic turns the rock over 21 times in a must-win game or Ray Allen and Paul Pierce have combined to go 6-of-21 from 3-point range in the Celtics series against the Cavs while guarded by the likes of — Wally Szczerbiak, Delonte West, and Alek Pavlovic!?!? This isn’t about defense; it’s about the Eastern Conference being rubbish.

Instead of forcing fans to suffer through countless slugfests played in the 80s, the NBA ought to just save us the trouble and flip a coin to determine which offensively-challenged Eastern Conference team gets to play in the Finals.

Mercifully, Detroit ended it’s series with Orlando, beating the turnover-prone Magic 91-86 tonight to win that series 4-1. A brief examination of tonight’s box score is proof enough to justify the contraction of about three to five teams.

Orlando has a bench that’s as deep as Paris Hilton. but this series is was a prime example of just how shitty the Eastern Conference is. Three of the Magic’s five starters — Hedo Turkoglu, Dwight Howard, and Rashard Lewis — logged more than 40 minutes tonight, which makes sense when you consider that the first big of the bench for Orlando is some guy named Gorat while worthless stiffs like J.J. Redick and Pat Garrity are the other alternatives. Sure Detroit’s a good defensive team but if Orlando had any semblance of depth, their starters may have been able to do better than the 21 turnovers and 57% percent foul shooting they did in tonight’s must-win game.

Things aren’t that much better in Detroit either. The ageless Lindsey Hunter, still occupying a roster spot due to reasons of posterity and continuity more than that of skill, and caveman big Jason Maxiell are the only guys on the Pistons bench who see much action. Rookie point Rodney Stuckey was mistake-free in the place of Chauncey Billups in the series-closing win over the Magic but that doesn’t change the fact that the Pistons are just another Eastern Conference team with a bench that’s about as useful as a bag of hammers.

And don’t get me started on Boston and Cleveland. The Celtics, supposed galacticos, are trying to win the NBA title with the Los Angeles Clippers point guard while the Cavs have assembled a supporting cast for LeBron that’s alternately comical and sad.

I’ll be honest. If fans in cities like Charlotte, Memphis, and Seattle care as much about their teams as the Junta in Myanmar cares about it’s international rep, why move those teams to even smaller markets? The problem isn’t the markets; it’s the game as it’s played by far too many teams in the league. Most teams, including all four of the semifinalists in the Eastern Conference, lack the talent to play semi-attractive basketball so they resort to endless clutching, grabbing, shoving, and a slowing of the tempo to the crawl of a car in SoCal traffic to give their relatively untalented sides a chance to win.

And there’s nothing wrong with winning. Unless you’re a fan that is. The average NBA fan has already survived the interminable regular season and put up with the TV-centric playoff schedule that disrupts the rhythm of individual teams and entire playoff series. It’s a shame that we can’t be rewarded with basketball that’s both entertaining and competitive come the semifinals and finals.

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